Anxiety Attack

The last 72 hours has been so chaotic. With the finances, Tom's work and more.. I have kept a brave front. The kids need me to be strong. Tom needs me to be strong. I am so tired, but yet, I keep moving ahead.

Today, in the parking lot of Becca's pre-school, I was fine. I was laughing and feeling great. Then all of a sudden, I could not breathe. I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest. I was complete mess. I had heard about panic attacks, people talked about having them. But, I have never had one till today. I thought I was going to die. I was so scared. I sat there in the car, with my baby boy in the car... and thought I would die.

I hate feeling so out of control.

Try too hard?

Sometimes I feel like that parent who everyone looks at and thinks, Man.. she is trying too hard to fit in. :(

I am/was a member of an on-line community. For a year or so, I was obsessed (yea admitting it) with "belonging" I needed to "feel" important there. Until, I read something I was not supposed to read. and found out what some people thought of me, that I thought were my friends. I am devastated, to say the least. I never really re-covered or felt like home there again. I still go, still post.. but part of me died that day. I guess I was trying too hard. I still yearn to belong there, but feel like I am forgotten, a thing of the past now. :(

Lately, been really getting involved with stuff for kids. Dance, baseball, soccer, etc. I love being a parent to kids who are participating in things. But again, I am not sure I belong. I try to socialize, talk to other parents there. They talk to me, but I see them talking amongst themselves much more animated and intimate than they do with me. Are they just tolerating me? Am I "trying too hard to fit in?"

As a parent, staying at home with 3 kids, I long for adult interaction. I need stimulating comverstation.. something about a topic NOT involving Star wars, princesses or Elmo... I have friends, we are great together, but we only get together about once every 6 weeks. The parents at sporting things, dance, ballet.. I see them every single week. And I wonder, am I trying to hard?

When does the need for acceptance become too much? At times, it feels like high school, jr. high.. and I am still the heavy kid in the corner, socializing with everyone, but never really fitting in anywhere....

Moment to reflect

HAPPY EASTER!

As I sit here, watching the kids, in a sugar induced chaos. I am thinking about how lucky I am despite the chaos. lol We are all healthy. Happy and we are together today. Sometimes the bigs things in life, seem to distract from what is really important. Yes, the bill sometimes do not always get paid on time. Sometimes, we argue because of the stress. But regardless... we are a family. We are together and as long as we are, nothing can really harm us.

I hope you and your family have a fabulous day...