A dream?

Ok, first. I AM addicted to So You Think You Can Dance this season. The caliber of talent is beyond belief these past few weeks. My daughter, loves to sit in the room and watch with me. Tonight, being the Finale week, was AMAZING! Thankfully for Tivo type set up, I was able to use the pause as needed. LOL. Becca, my sweet girl, was entranced by it all and insisted on showing me HER dance moves. Which in my humble opinion were fabulous too.

But, it got me thinking. As I watched the show and the little girl who has captured my heart. The Dream... We all have them, but sometimes we lose them along the way. For as long as she can walk, she has wanted to dance. Dance and DANCE! She glows when she is moving to the music. I watched the people in the Finale tonight and they talked about their dream. To Dance.

I want to give that to my daughter. I want to wrap her dream up in a pretty bow and wrapping paper and say here.. TAKE IT! Leap for the stars, it is yours to attain! Grab it with all your heart. I am so proud of her, what she wants. She knows at a young age what makes her happy. What a wonderful gift. My hope is that 5 years, 10 years from now, she still glows with excitement at learning a new move. A new step.. and new joy.

-I hope in my eagerness to give her this dream, I don't make it something that is should not be. I see so many parents push their child into something. Then it no longer is pure, beautiful, special.

That gleam and laughter in her eyes tonight. As she danced about the room. It was infectious! I could not help but laugh with her and applaud when she was done.

Becca, sweet Becca. YOU CAN DANCE! Mommy is so proud to be your biggest fan.

Driving in the car...rambling

So, I will be driving in the car. Being very introspective. Kids in the back seat, talking, yelling, you know what normal kids do. I will come up with something to blog on, then by the time I get home.. BLANK! I cannot remember (blaming mommy brain, since there is no other excuse, I guess)

Last few weeks have been pretty hectic. With the older 2 having birthday parties, field trips, and end of school chaos. LAST DAY tomorrow, for both. What will I do with them for 2.5 months, no school.

Knitting: LACE! I love it. I thought it would be so hard, but in fact, I am finding it sooo relaxing. The technique. The pace is slow and the final result... beautiful.

UGH, Zachary just woke up.. blog more later

Anxiety Attack

The last 72 hours has been so chaotic. With the finances, Tom's work and more.. I have kept a brave front. The kids need me to be strong. Tom needs me to be strong. I am so tired, but yet, I keep moving ahead.

Today, in the parking lot of Becca's pre-school, I was fine. I was laughing and feeling great. Then all of a sudden, I could not breathe. I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest. I was complete mess. I had heard about panic attacks, people talked about having them. But, I have never had one till today. I thought I was going to die. I was so scared. I sat there in the car, with my baby boy in the car... and thought I would die.

I hate feeling so out of control.

Try too hard?

Sometimes I feel like that parent who everyone looks at and thinks, Man.. she is trying too hard to fit in. :(

I am/was a member of an on-line community. For a year or so, I was obsessed (yea admitting it) with "belonging" I needed to "feel" important there. Until, I read something I was not supposed to read. and found out what some people thought of me, that I thought were my friends. I am devastated, to say the least. I never really re-covered or felt like home there again. I still go, still post.. but part of me died that day. I guess I was trying too hard. I still yearn to belong there, but feel like I am forgotten, a thing of the past now. :(

Lately, been really getting involved with stuff for kids. Dance, baseball, soccer, etc. I love being a parent to kids who are participating in things. But again, I am not sure I belong. I try to socialize, talk to other parents there. They talk to me, but I see them talking amongst themselves much more animated and intimate than they do with me. Are they just tolerating me? Am I "trying too hard to fit in?"

As a parent, staying at home with 3 kids, I long for adult interaction. I need stimulating comverstation.. something about a topic NOT involving Star wars, princesses or Elmo... I have friends, we are great together, but we only get together about once every 6 weeks. The parents at sporting things, dance, ballet.. I see them every single week. And I wonder, am I trying to hard?

When does the need for acceptance become too much? At times, it feels like high school, jr. high.. and I am still the heavy kid in the corner, socializing with everyone, but never really fitting in anywhere....

Moment to reflect

HAPPY EASTER!

As I sit here, watching the kids, in a sugar induced chaos. I am thinking about how lucky I am despite the chaos. lol We are all healthy. Happy and we are together today. Sometimes the bigs things in life, seem to distract from what is really important. Yes, the bill sometimes do not always get paid on time. Sometimes, we argue because of the stress. But regardless... we are a family. We are together and as long as we are, nothing can really harm us.

I hope you and your family have a fabulous day...

Rantings of a mother...

Baseball. America's past time. Inspired millions of children yearly... peanuts, popcorn and cracker jacks. And I seriously don't know if I ever want to go back.

Tonight, at my oldest son's baseball practice, I was informed "he was not good enough" to play on the team. In front of my son, standing right there. They are moving him down a division, before the season even starts. With just 2 practices to base this decision on, they have basically shot my son down and moved him down. This is the same kid, who spent the entire weekend, practicing, throwing the ball with his dad, uncle and g-pa... so that when he got to practice today, he would "do better" and be able to stand tall knowing he did his best.

DANGIT! He did a GREAT job tonight. He was catching the ball, throwing and getting the ball to the person he was aiming for. But, nope, at 6 years old, I already have to explain to my child why life is NOT fair. Why he is "not on the team". I know, sometimes you don't make the team. I know this. But the issue was, he was already on the team. He had the shirt, the socks, the hat and they kicked him down. I am furious. Livid. I want to yell at anyone who will listen. But instead, I had to maintain my calm, discuss this with the needed "people"- coaches, commissioners, etc. In order to make the best decision for the "team" UGH!

So, I drive home, listening to my son cry because he did his best, "why was it not good enough" " I did everything they asked me to do, and they still don't want me mommy?" "I did everything daddy told me to do, and tried so hard. My friends are on that team" I want to scream. Yell.. jump up and down and fight for him. But no one is listening...

I hope, I really hope that this move is a good thing. That maybe just maybe, it will make him a better baseball player and a better team player. But right now, right now..

I am one very mad mother bear!

March "Madness"

Starting March 1st, several people (no telling how many) are casting on projects using Malabrigo Worsted and other weight yarns. The object is to raise the "ranking" of this particular brand. Now up until a few weeks ago, never heard of it. lol

BUT, WOW.. this is the yummiest and so soft yarn I have felt in a long time. So delicious...

So far, I have cast on 3 projects in the past 2 days. LOL, but I need to finish 1 other project by the 6th. Knitting is supposed to be relaxing, right? lol

Random Oscar Musings..

Sitting here watching the Oscars. They are doing a great job moving on, keeping it flowing.

They just awarded the Best Supporting Actor to Heath Ledger. He was a wonderful actor, who will be missed not only for what he achieved, but for what he was never able to do. Grow old, watch his little girl grow up, get married, be a grandfather. Find love again, and more. He won an Oscar tonight for his amazing performance of the Joker. But I cannot help but wonder if it was a token win rather than REALLY deserved. His performance in Brokeback Mountain was incredible, Oscar worthy. This year, so many who were VERY deserving, were passed over, to honor Heath. If he had not of died, would he have won?

He will be missed most of all, by the person who probably will never remember him. :(

On The Needles?

I seem to have several items on the needles right now. I am not sure if it is a lack of direction, or that I am feeling so much more confident in what I can do, I am eager to try it? Started a project with cables this week. YEA! I think I botched up the pattern just a little, but as long as I stay consistant, it should still look nice. Then there is Rebecca's poncho, the Old Shale blanket, a few items on the needles for a fairy gift (NOTE TO SELF: must finish these sooner than later)
-Then starting next week, I am getting involved in Malabrigo March Madness. Yea, sounds like some strang cult nonsense, pretty much is. I have approx. 9 projects waiting to be cast on the 1st of March. A few of them will really stretch my comfort zone: Shalom Sweater, Lace projects, Meret Beret.. yummy fun.

-Note to self: be careful what you blog about. People are reading. lol. I walked into knit night on Wednesday night, to a gale of laughter and chuckles. Apparently, one of my recent blog posts, raised a few eyebrows and I was subjected to a few jokes my way. Did not mind, was funny. But need to remember, if you write it, they will read it. lol

Strangest dream last night..

Ok, so DH and I are about 90% sure we are done having kids. But there is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that maybe, we are supposed to have 1 more. Who knows why. Perhaps all the miscarriages, leaving that empty feeling? The longing of what could have or should have been.

Anyways, last night, I had a dream, had another baby. Little girl. Was so vivid, so real. I could see her face, smell her little head, and like it was meant to be. Wow, what can I say. Was so there!