A dream?

Ok, first. I AM addicted to So You Think You Can Dance this season. The caliber of talent is beyond belief these past few weeks. My daughter, loves to sit in the room and watch with me. Tonight, being the Finale week, was AMAZING! Thankfully for Tivo type set up, I was able to use the pause as needed. LOL. Becca, my sweet girl, was entranced by it all and insisted on showing me HER dance moves. Which in my humble opinion were fabulous too.

But, it got me thinking. As I watched the show and the little girl who has captured my heart. The Dream... We all have them, but sometimes we lose them along the way. For as long as she can walk, she has wanted to dance. Dance and DANCE! She glows when she is moving to the music. I watched the people in the Finale tonight and they talked about their dream. To Dance.

I want to give that to my daughter. I want to wrap her dream up in a pretty bow and wrapping paper and say here.. TAKE IT! Leap for the stars, it is yours to attain! Grab it with all your heart. I am so proud of her, what she wants. She knows at a young age what makes her happy. What a wonderful gift. My hope is that 5 years, 10 years from now, she still glows with excitement at learning a new move. A new step.. and new joy.

-I hope in my eagerness to give her this dream, I don't make it something that is should not be. I see so many parents push their child into something. Then it no longer is pure, beautiful, special.

That gleam and laughter in her eyes tonight. As she danced about the room. It was infectious! I could not help but laugh with her and applaud when she was done.

Becca, sweet Becca. YOU CAN DANCE! Mommy is so proud to be your biggest fan.

Driving in the car...rambling

So, I will be driving in the car. Being very introspective. Kids in the back seat, talking, yelling, you know what normal kids do. I will come up with something to blog on, then by the time I get home.. BLANK! I cannot remember (blaming mommy brain, since there is no other excuse, I guess)

Last few weeks have been pretty hectic. With the older 2 having birthday parties, field trips, and end of school chaos. LAST DAY tomorrow, for both. What will I do with them for 2.5 months, no school.

Knitting: LACE! I love it. I thought it would be so hard, but in fact, I am finding it sooo relaxing. The technique. The pace is slow and the final result... beautiful.

UGH, Zachary just woke up.. blog more later

Anxiety Attack

The last 72 hours has been so chaotic. With the finances, Tom's work and more.. I have kept a brave front. The kids need me to be strong. Tom needs me to be strong. I am so tired, but yet, I keep moving ahead.

Today, in the parking lot of Becca's pre-school, I was fine. I was laughing and feeling great. Then all of a sudden, I could not breathe. I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest. I was complete mess. I had heard about panic attacks, people talked about having them. But, I have never had one till today. I thought I was going to die. I was so scared. I sat there in the car, with my baby boy in the car... and thought I would die.

I hate feeling so out of control.

Try too hard?

Sometimes I feel like that parent who everyone looks at and thinks, Man.. she is trying too hard to fit in. :(

I am/was a member of an on-line community. For a year or so, I was obsessed (yea admitting it) with "belonging" I needed to "feel" important there. Until, I read something I was not supposed to read. and found out what some people thought of me, that I thought were my friends. I am devastated, to say the least. I never really re-covered or felt like home there again. I still go, still post.. but part of me died that day. I guess I was trying too hard. I still yearn to belong there, but feel like I am forgotten, a thing of the past now. :(

Lately, been really getting involved with stuff for kids. Dance, baseball, soccer, etc. I love being a parent to kids who are participating in things. But again, I am not sure I belong. I try to socialize, talk to other parents there. They talk to me, but I see them talking amongst themselves much more animated and intimate than they do with me. Are they just tolerating me? Am I "trying too hard to fit in?"

As a parent, staying at home with 3 kids, I long for adult interaction. I need stimulating comverstation.. something about a topic NOT involving Star wars, princesses or Elmo... I have friends, we are great together, but we only get together about once every 6 weeks. The parents at sporting things, dance, ballet.. I see them every single week. And I wonder, am I trying to hard?

When does the need for acceptance become too much? At times, it feels like high school, jr. high.. and I am still the heavy kid in the corner, socializing with everyone, but never really fitting in anywhere....

Moment to reflect

HAPPY EASTER!

As I sit here, watching the kids, in a sugar induced chaos. I am thinking about how lucky I am despite the chaos. lol We are all healthy. Happy and we are together today. Sometimes the bigs things in life, seem to distract from what is really important. Yes, the bill sometimes do not always get paid on time. Sometimes, we argue because of the stress. But regardless... we are a family. We are together and as long as we are, nothing can really harm us.

I hope you and your family have a fabulous day...

Rantings of a mother...

Baseball. America's past time. Inspired millions of children yearly... peanuts, popcorn and cracker jacks. And I seriously don't know if I ever want to go back.

Tonight, at my oldest son's baseball practice, I was informed "he was not good enough" to play on the team. In front of my son, standing right there. They are moving him down a division, before the season even starts. With just 2 practices to base this decision on, they have basically shot my son down and moved him down. This is the same kid, who spent the entire weekend, practicing, throwing the ball with his dad, uncle and g-pa... so that when he got to practice today, he would "do better" and be able to stand tall knowing he did his best.

DANGIT! He did a GREAT job tonight. He was catching the ball, throwing and getting the ball to the person he was aiming for. But, nope, at 6 years old, I already have to explain to my child why life is NOT fair. Why he is "not on the team". I know, sometimes you don't make the team. I know this. But the issue was, he was already on the team. He had the shirt, the socks, the hat and they kicked him down. I am furious. Livid. I want to yell at anyone who will listen. But instead, I had to maintain my calm, discuss this with the needed "people"- coaches, commissioners, etc. In order to make the best decision for the "team" UGH!

So, I drive home, listening to my son cry because he did his best, "why was it not good enough" " I did everything they asked me to do, and they still don't want me mommy?" "I did everything daddy told me to do, and tried so hard. My friends are on that team" I want to scream. Yell.. jump up and down and fight for him. But no one is listening...

I hope, I really hope that this move is a good thing. That maybe just maybe, it will make him a better baseball player and a better team player. But right now, right now..

I am one very mad mother bear!

March "Madness"

Starting March 1st, several people (no telling how many) are casting on projects using Malabrigo Worsted and other weight yarns. The object is to raise the "ranking" of this particular brand. Now up until a few weeks ago, never heard of it. lol

BUT, WOW.. this is the yummiest and so soft yarn I have felt in a long time. So delicious...

So far, I have cast on 3 projects in the past 2 days. LOL, but I need to finish 1 other project by the 6th. Knitting is supposed to be relaxing, right? lol

Random Oscar Musings..

Sitting here watching the Oscars. They are doing a great job moving on, keeping it flowing.

They just awarded the Best Supporting Actor to Heath Ledger. He was a wonderful actor, who will be missed not only for what he achieved, but for what he was never able to do. Grow old, watch his little girl grow up, get married, be a grandfather. Find love again, and more. He won an Oscar tonight for his amazing performance of the Joker. But I cannot help but wonder if it was a token win rather than REALLY deserved. His performance in Brokeback Mountain was incredible, Oscar worthy. This year, so many who were VERY deserving, were passed over, to honor Heath. If he had not of died, would he have won?

He will be missed most of all, by the person who probably will never remember him. :(

On The Needles?

I seem to have several items on the needles right now. I am not sure if it is a lack of direction, or that I am feeling so much more confident in what I can do, I am eager to try it? Started a project with cables this week. YEA! I think I botched up the pattern just a little, but as long as I stay consistant, it should still look nice. Then there is Rebecca's poncho, the Old Shale blanket, a few items on the needles for a fairy gift (NOTE TO SELF: must finish these sooner than later)
-Then starting next week, I am getting involved in Malabrigo March Madness. Yea, sounds like some strang cult nonsense, pretty much is. I have approx. 9 projects waiting to be cast on the 1st of March. A few of them will really stretch my comfort zone: Shalom Sweater, Lace projects, Meret Beret.. yummy fun.

-Note to self: be careful what you blog about. People are reading. lol. I walked into knit night on Wednesday night, to a gale of laughter and chuckles. Apparently, one of my recent blog posts, raised a few eyebrows and I was subjected to a few jokes my way. Did not mind, was funny. But need to remember, if you write it, they will read it. lol

Strangest dream last night..

Ok, so DH and I are about 90% sure we are done having kids. But there is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that maybe, we are supposed to have 1 more. Who knows why. Perhaps all the miscarriages, leaving that empty feeling? The longing of what could have or should have been.

Anyways, last night, I had a dream, had another baby. Little girl. Was so vivid, so real. I could see her face, smell her little head, and like it was meant to be. Wow, what can I say. Was so there!

Really excited.

I have finally decided to spread my knitting wings. After several scarves and basic items, I am now tackling something a little more substantial. While a have a nice Blanket in the works, I really want to do something out of my comfort zone.

I am debating between 2 different Lace style shawls or scarves. Yea I know another scarf, but it is more than the usualy KNIT PURL patterns, so it counts lol.

More to come once I decide and cast on.

End of Winter?

What is the day going to bring? Lil Phil comes on out of the hole, and decides whether of not we have 6 more weeks of winter. Here in California, it has been 60-70 degrees during the day. Not exactly winter weather... the flowers are thinking, hey, lets bloom. But my gut tells me, that we have another cold spell in our future. The trees are getting little buds and my fear is that this cold spell will kill the crop.

Winter is my least favorite season. Shades of Green- spring. I thrive during that time of year. Of all the seasons, spring is my favorite. I love the fresh bloom of the flowers. The butterflies, ladybugs.. kids playing in the front yard. I feel so re-freshed. Is it ok to wish for the season to come early? This past winter has been so draining. Mentally, emotionally. I am exhausted. I need to feel revitalized and re-newed. I need to see the beauty in the world again. Things are so harsh in the winter.... makes me sad.

New Shop/ open and selling

knittyphotomom.etsy.com

You can find: Enchanted Snuggle baby carriers, hand dyed yarns, knitted items! I am so excited to finally be open and taking orders. After spending the past month, dyeing skein after skein of yarn... whoo hoo!!

Come check me out. If you see something you like, buy it. Adding more yarns all weekend.

44..13, 14, 15 1-20-09

Yea, they are just a bunch of numbers. But they are such historic numbers they need to be noticed and called out.

44- the number of Presidents who have been elected to office since the inception of our nation. 44 times, people have gone to the polling place, and in one form or another made their opinion count.

13- Amendment to the US Constitution abolishing slavery in our nation.

14- The amendment provides a broad definition of citizenship, overruling Dred Scott v. Sandford (1857) which had excluded slaves and their descendants from possessing Constitutional rights. The amendment requires states to provide equal protection under the law to all persons

15- United States Constitution prohibits each government in the United States to prevent a citizen from voting based on that citizen's race,[1] color or previous condition of servitude (i.e., slavery).

It was not even really till the 1950's that the 15th Amendment was really utilized, and the 1960's that segregation became "unpopular"

That is a mere 40 years. 40 YEARS!! And in that time, racial lines are still drawn everyday, sadly, even now, in the year 2009, there is glaring examples of prejudice in our nation.

BUT TODAY, after 43 Presidents before him, our nation elected and put into office a man of integrity (we hope) who is also African American. So many people, thought the day would never come. That the US would never be able to step across racial lines and make this step into the future. But it happened today. I have no idea what the next 4 years will bring. But I know today, I am proud to be an American.

Head is spinning...

to say the least. The past 2 weeks have been a major ride in the parenting department. Last week, Gab woke me up saying it hurt when he went to the bathroom. I get up to look. Yep, red pee. ICK. So being the ever dutiful mom, I call, make Dr appt. And off we go.

Ped is clueless...

Orders tests....

Ped calls, wow, no clue still...

More tests...

Waiting and waiting...

Let's go see specialist our Ped says, ok...

Specialist orders...

MORE TESTS....

Mind you, this is a 6 year old little boy, that NOW is scared of needles even more. Blood work, urine analysis.. the works...

Specialist wants an ultrasound. I am ok with that, just tell me, what is wrong with my son. Till this point, there has been no diagnosis. No ok, I think that it is this....

Just more tests and waiting.

I hate waiting.

Sacramento Indie: Craft and Trunk Show...

Don't miss out!

Something for me?

After knitting like crazy for the last 2 months, I can finally make something for myself. Now I am sitting here looking at all this beautiful yarn, amazing patterns and have no idea what to make.

I started on a really pretty patagonia scrunchie scarf before the holidays that I would love to finish. But then I want to make so many other things.... lol

Something for me? What should I make?

Scrunchie Scarf, Running Waters, Clapotis??

School is STILL out..

Holiday break, Christmas vacation... winter vacation.

Kids out of school. Mommy I am bored. What's to eat? 2 more days and they go back. I am sure when they do go back, I will miss them. Been a long 2 weeks....

Things to do:

Kind of like the bucket list, lol

Things you've already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to - leave in plain font

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse (moon)
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo's david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistene chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies.
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a cheque
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in london
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swum in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee